I have been swimming in deep waters this past week. My brain is tired. I’ve been depressed, anxious, confused. I haven’t written because I was afraid that if I wrote it would come across…well….like this is coming across. Debbie Downer. It has a little to do with recovery but that’s not all of it. I don’t really want to write about it and that’s ok. And I guess I just need to be true to the project now (writing what’s REALLY happening) instead of waiting for something cheerful or insightful to arrive on my doorstep. The reality is, most of the time I’m just treading water like everyone else and occasionally, I have an awesome day where spell-check doesn’t have to work so hard and life becomes a poem. But that’s not this week or even this day…this is just treading. water.
And also, I ate pizza. A double whammy of inflammatory stupidity and self-loathing. Seriously, WHY PIZZA? WHY?????
NEW TOPIC: People keep asking (because that’s customary and kind) how Justin is doing. And the answer? I actually don’t know. Remember when he was full of information for those 5 minutes? That was awesome. Now, he’s really living in his own rehab world and when we see each other he is consumed with that world in his head and I don’t feel like I can get through. He’s still recording his videos (we’re waiting for ted to get back from vacation for approvals) but even there I don’t feel connected. It would be easy for me right now to try to psychoanalyze him. I’ve been doing that for two years (also, remember when our other therapist invited me no less than three time to join his masters program for clinical social work but made me promise to stop therapizing my poor husband? He was like, “make it a profession but give up that hobby, KaRyn..it does NOTHING for your marriage.”) So I won’t pretend to know what’s clicking through Justin’s brain these days. It’s not my job.
I know he’s different in good ways and the same in others. I’m sure he’s weirded out by his life in the same way that I am. Now that the fire is dying down, we’re seeing just how long its going to take to turn the ashes into something viable. He’s got a little over 3 weeks left at the facility. For father’s day, I made him a little countdown calendar with tiny origami envelopes for each of the days he has left filled with teeny papers with song lyrics and quotes. Before I gave it to him, we were talking a little about how hard it is for him to stay focused on everything right now without thinking too far to the future and how he wants to stay present in the moment so he can get the most out of the last bit of time. And then I realized. My calendar was a BAD IDEA! It was of course a tribute to my excitement but not necessarily what he actually needed or wanted. I was immediately embarrassed that I didn’t see it before I put all that work into it. So I told him about it and said, “I bet that will make it harder for you?” He said “it might.” I said (slowly) “well you can just pull all the little papers out and send the calendar home with me.” I wasn’t even being a martyr.. I really felt like I wanted to help him and though I was sad that my gesture of love was ill conceived, I could understand everything. Well, he looked at it and said finally that it wouldn’t be that bad and he wanted to keep it. I know he was just doing it to make me feel better, and it did. So that was nice.
The point is that pizza makes your body feel like it’s been in a car crash with gluten and I’m unsure of how Justin is doing. I on the other hand am doing a little bit better tonight (except for the pizza car crash, of course) and think that this week will shed some light on some of my sadnesses.