It’s Homecoming Eve.  I need to go to bed because I have to get up early to head to the treatment facility to pick up Justin, but I also needed to document this milestone.  Or rather, the night before the milestone.  I’m not going to bother trying to describe my feelings.  Suffice it to say nothing makes you look more insane at work than having a panic attack followed by maniacal laughter.  Yep.  It’s like that.

I’ve cleaned the house because that makes me feel like I’m ready for something.

I tried to make something because that makes me feel the most like myself.  I started with a fancy BLT for dinner…heirloom tomato, REAL bacon from the deli at harmons (none of that turkey business for a last meal).  It was nice but somehow didn’t quite hit the poetic notes that I was hoping for.  I don’t know, I guess I imagined it like a scene in a movie where there is some sort of moody music playing while the camera shows slow shots of my hands close up, slicing the perfect purple red tomato, the crackling bacon and then my face with my eyes closed while I savor every bite – the music crescendo-ing to remind you of how alone I am.  It was more like just a sandwich in the hands of a moderately hungry person.  I don’t think I savored anything. Then I tried to make some fruit leather.  That was not a winner.  I used some cherries that I acquired yesterday and it took me forever to make because of all those stupid pits.  Then I cooked it wrong and it turned into a sort of tar paper with a flavor profile reminiscent of death and defeat. Like I said, not really a winner.   But that’s ok, maybe what I should be creating is not food related.

We’re making a contract, me and Justin.  It’s a document that says what he’ll do to maintain his recovery and what I’ll do to maintain mine and help with his.  We’re going to talk about it tomorrow with Ted.  We’ve also contacted our old marriage therapist who will start to see us again next week.

I realize that everything is going to change, maybe even this project.  I mean, how can it not?  I’ve been having this sort of one sided conversation with my husband, and he with me for three months.  He couldn’t read any of my posts while he was in there so I felt safe to say what I really wanted to say.  How will his ability to fully participate on this blog change what I say and how I say it?  Will I censor things more?  Will I stop writing all together?  And what about Justin…will the ability (and requirement really)to post his own videos change his experience?  Will he feel like he can’t really say things because he’ll KNOW that I’m watching? (even though he knew I was watching before, he didn’t have to watch me watching…if you know what I mean.)

There’s still so much to create, really.  First a contract, then a relationship and a revised life together.  Then trust.  Then, who knows!  I hope all this creation includes writing and video and The Beauty for Ashes Project because it’s been good for me.  Whatever we end up creating, Luckily, creating together is one of the best things about my relationship with Justin.  I probably won’t try to create cherry fruit leather again though.  You’re welcome.